Ask for Forgiveness

Few months ago,  I got into a  misunderstanding with a family member. I had commented on a rather cryptic status update on facebook;  in an attempt to seek further clarification. The so called family member replied that I was being 'tidak beradab, biadap'.  

  I was SO shocked. 

Now shocked, would be an understatement,  I was dumbfounded and thoroughly upset. It felt as if someone had just grabbed my hijab and shoved me from the back; and  I fell with a big thud. Choking back my tears, I replied asking where in my comment was the rude part. 

Later I received a so called  apology email. A simple sorry or I apologise would suffice.  It would have made me feel better. But the person went on to say that well,  I was overboard, being the usual me, 'outspoken' and 'laser', 'spoiling things with my remarks', adding salt to my wound.

Yes, I can be blunt at times. But I am trying my best to guard my tongue, giving more thought before I say something. And  the 'old' me would always want to have the last word. Hubs said, "Sabarlah. Just make du'a for that family member."  But  I was stubborn, going back to the old me, because I strongly felt that I did not do anything wrong.  Wanting to prove that I was right, a war of emails ensued, but not for long. After two emails, I realised that replying the email in the first place was a mistake, because it made the misunderstanding worse. We ended up hurting each other more.

I wallowed into self pity for almost a day. Anger and resentment for being hurled with insults. My conscience bugged me,  that  I had fared poorly as well.

Luckily, I came back to my senses. 

Reflect /Muhasabah

Time for self reflection, 'muhasabah'.  

Perhaps this misunderstanding  is Allah's way of teaching me a lesson.

That apology email I received  sent an underlying  message that this person had been holding a grudge over me for quite some time, and it wasn't about the recent comment I had made at all. Must be something I said some time ago. 

What I've learned from this small misunderstanding is aplenty.

Firstly, in the course of our life, we might have hurt our loved ones, friends or acquaintances without realising it. So I did what I should have done years ago, asking people for forgiveness.

I called my mum to ask for forgiveness. Said that I was sorry if I wasn't a good daughter and that call made me so homesick. Of course, mak went emotional and cried over the phone but it was a great feeling to hear her saying that she loved me very much.  

  

I sent  emails to my other family members to apologise if I had 'tersalah kata,' and will they please forgive me.  (Many thought I was dying for sending such emails, I guess as they say in Malay- buang tabiat)

Now, try asking people for their forgiveness (not just during Eid). You will feel as if your shoulders are lighter and it's like you just woke up to a  bright sunny day. That's how I felt. It also improves your relationship with those that you've asked for forgiveness. 

Secondly, it is  not  that easy to change others' wrong point of view,  and if you still firmly believe that person is in the wrong, just make du'a that Allah will guide them. Perhaps  we ourselves are in the wrong, so we should also make du'a that Allah will forgive our sins.

Thirdly, I've made a resolution that I will be 'more concerned with my character rather than my reputation.' However, more effort must be made especially in controlling my temper in order to improve my character!

Fourth, never judge a person based on his/her 'not so good' past behaviour, especially if you have not met that person for a long time. Because that person might have changed. 

Fifth, I must try to develop the habit of asking family, friends for forgiveness because we never know whether we will wake up tomorrow. Borrowing one  Ustaz's words " There is no guarantee that when you go to bed tonight, you will wake up tomorrow." And if people come to you to apologise, likewise, do the same. Don't question them! A friend jokingly replied,  "Well, what did you say behind my back?". I was taken aback, then recovered with" I'd just like to minta maaf' ".  

Lastly, in this particular life lesson for me, asking Allah for forgiveness was easier than asking from a person. That's because the moment you reflect, you repent. Instantly, you  remember to ask Allah for forgiveness.  There are many ways of asking Allah for forgiveness- through Istigfar, making du'a or solat taubah of 2 rakaahs. Then you firmly tell yourself you will change.  

  

Ask  Allah for His Forgiveness. Truly, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most-Merciful. 2:199

Knowing that Allah's mercy is Great makes asking Allah's forgiveness much easier than asking from another individual for forgiveness. If you have hurt a person, saying sorry is not an easy task. You will need to swallow your ego first. And what guarantee do you have that  person will forgive you?  

Ironically, I have yet to ask forgiveness from the family member, perhaps due to my ego, or just because the wound has yet to heal. I still do not know how to initiate it, please pray for me, that I will be able to do this soon.

I've just realised that one thing that I had forgotten to list down as my lessons learnt is:- 

to forgive others, perhaps the hardest thing to do for most of us!

But pardon them and overlook [their misdeeds]. Indeed, Allah loves the doers of good.  5:13

Nina - ask for forgiveness and forgive others